Did you ever hear the one about the man who walked into the bar, sang Frank Sinatra’s “My Way” and then got shot dead? No, you haven’t, huh? Well that exact scenario has happened not once, but half a dozen times in the last 10 years in karaoke bars across the Philippines.
There seems to be something about the smug way men drunkenly croon “I did it MY way…” that brings out the homicidal rage in people. Either that, or the song is just butchered too often by those too tanked or tone-deaf to do it justice. But for whatever reason, “The My Way Killings” as the press has dubbed them, have forced many Filipino bar owners to ban the Sinatra song from their play-lists. And while it’s unlikely a bad karaoke song-choice will get you killed, anyone who’s sat through a drunken rendition of the seven-minute-long, “Hotel California” can attest that there are certain songs that should never be karaoked.
The following are a list of eight such songs. Some of these songs are just plain horrendous and should be banned from the planet all together (read: anything by Vanilla Ice) but some are otherwise good songs but just not karaoke-appropriate.
8. “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” by Cyndi Lauper
This is a favorite of drunk college girls. While it has a catchy melody with a feel-good, girl-power message, it’s also a tough one to sing well. Those high notes are difficult to hit and even some of the best singers often wind up sounding like drowning cats.
Alternative Pick: “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls. People may roll their eyes at the corny, saccharine lyrics, but this song makes a great group number and a fun bar sing-along.
7. “Everybody Hurts” by REM
While Michael Stripes slow, morose lyrics make for the perfect accompaniment to a post-breakup crying jag, they don’t make for good karaoke. If you’re feeling depressed, save your happy, drunk amigos the heartache and wait to sing Sinead O’ Connor’s “Nothing Compares 2 U” until you’re home with a bucket of Ben and Jerry’s. Depressing breakup songs and karaoke do not mix.
Alternative Pick: If it’s a break-up you’re hurting over, revenge songs are always a hit. Sing Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats”, Blue Cantrell’s “Hit Him up Style” or “Gives you Hell” by The All American Rejects.
6. “Toxic” by Britney Spears
Normally a Britney song would be a perfect choice. Songs like “Oops, I did it Again” and “Baby One More Time” make excellent karaoke songs because as Britney “limited voice range” Spears has shown us, you don’t have to have the best singing voice to make those songs work.
However, the song “Toxic” is mostly computer-synthesized and therefore sounds horrible when sung A Capella. Same goes for her songs “One, Two, Three” or “Womanizer”.
Alternative Pick: “I love Rock n’ Roll” by Joan Jett. It’s easy to sing and a guaranteed crowd-pleaser.
5. “My Heart will Go on” by Celine Dion
You loved the film Titanic and that’s awesome. But that boat sank 100 years ago and I promise you that you’ll sink and bring the mood in the room about 50 degrees if you if sing this song. This is usually a song women (or the occasional man) chose when they want to showcase singing talent that they don’t have. Please save the Celine or Whitney Houston’s “I will Always Love you” for the American Idol judges and not the karaoke bar. No one wants to hear a slow song, especially when it’s sung off-key.
Alternative Pick: If you have a great voice and want to show it off, chose something catchy that everyone can join in on, in case you falter or forget the lyrics. Songs like “Lady Marmelade” or Pat Benatar’s “Hit me with your Best Shot” are fun, fast-tempoed songs that will also showcase your voice.
4. “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond
Ah, here’s one for the frat boys. Attend a ‘Tuesday Night Karaoke’ at any given college bar in America and you’ll be sure to hear this song sung at least once. Which is why it should be avoided at all costs. The same goes for Jimmy Buffet’s “Margaritaville”, which is a favorite of the frat-boy’s Tommy Bahama Shirt-wearing older self. Both songs are just too overplayed to be anything but annoying. Don’t risk getting booed off the stage and pick something a little more original.
Alternative Pick: “What I got” by Sublime or “My Own Worst Enemy” by Lit. Or if it’s a golden oldie you’re craving, try “Crocodile Rock” by Elton John or Billy Joel’s “It’s Still Rock and Roll to Me” or “Only the Good Die Young”.
3. “The Battle of Kookamonga” by Homer and Jethrow
What, you’ve never heard of that one? Well neither has anyone else. So don’t sing it…or any other obscure song from 1959 or the B-side of Kelly Clarkson’s sophomoric album flop or anything from Jessica Simpson’s failed country album. Successfully singing that one Beatles song that no one’s ever heard of won’t impress anyone. More than likely, your audience will use use your performance as an opportunity to escape for a bathroom break. Don’t ruin the fun by picking a song that no one can sing along to.
Alternative Pick: If you want to win some fans, chose a song that people have forgotten they know. Perhaps a one-hit wonder like “MMMBop” by Hansen, “This is Me” by Dream or “Whatta Man” by Salt N’ Pepa. You’ll have people exclaiming “Wow, I used to love this song when I was kid!” and the crowd will love you for choosing a song that they hadn’t heard in a few years, just so long as it’s popularity wasn’t a three day period in say, Reykjavik.
2. “Ice, Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice
There are some songs that are so bad, they’re good (read: anything by Abba or Ace of Base) but then there are songs that are so God-awful that no matter how earnestly they’re sung, they make you want to stab yourself in the ear with a mic stand. “Ice, Ice, Baby” would be one example of that.
Rap songs in general should be avoided at karaoke bars unless you know every word by heart because it’s extraordinarily difficult to read the words and rap them at the same time.
Alternative Pick: If you fancy a challenge though, try Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby’s Got Back” or Will Smith’s “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”. Chances are that there will be more than a few people in the crowd who’ve memorized these songs and will be more than happy to shout along the versus with you, whether you want their help or not.
1.“I Hope You Dance” by Lee Ann Womack
Overly-sentimental, country cross-over songs have their places. At a High School graduation, for instance. Or in a middle school dance, dentist office or elevator. But there is such a thing as too corny for karaoke, which is why “I Hope you Dance” takes first place in the list of songs that should be banned from karaoke bars. Permanently.
Tied for second place in the sappy category would be “Hero” by Mariah Carey, “ “I Turn to You” by Christina Aguilera “Graduation (Friends Forever)” by Vitamin C and the dreaded, “You Light up my Life” by Debbie Boon.
Alternative Pick: “Shiny Happy People” by REM is cheesy and campy but it has something the above songs don’t: A beat that will make people want to do dance. People can forgive almost any corn-ball song if it’s got a good dance-beat behind it.
Unfortunately for the hearing portion of mankind, these craptastic karaoke songs probably won’t be dissappearing from karaoke bars anytime soon. Because as long as the world continues to mix booze with bad music, there’ll always be someone drunk enough to feel nostalgic for a little Vanilla.
Written by Reannon Muth
Reannon is a part-time writer and a full-time travel addict
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